…is something I’ve been telling myself for a few years now, ever since my junior year of high school—the time when I first started separating who I am into two people: the person I am in front of others, and the person I am privately. Even though it’s been a few years, I can’t help but feel like I’ve been looking at my own philosophy for balancing school and friends/people from the wrong perspective.
I used to think that, aside from trying to reach my goals of course, whenever I immersed myself into my school work without regard to anything else (that is, whenever I even start forgetting my own name), it was a form of escapism from whatever was bothering me in my private life.
I now realize that it was the reverse all along.
A quote from an “End of 2008” questionnaire, posted on my Vox:
[…] no matter how supportive [friends] are, they can never shoulder the burden for you. They can never truly feel the blow of any mistakes you make. They can never fix your life for you. So as cynical as it may sound, you should put your goals first and foremost. Because not having to cry at all is much better than having a shoulder to cry on.
In the eight months that have elapsed since initially writing that, it appears that while I’ve grown academically smarter, I’ve became emotionally weaker. You never truly listen to words of caution until after the mistake has been made. You never appreciate the warning until after you see your world fall apart in front of your eyes.
Having now seen both sides of who I am in clear view, I feel like I can be true to myself better. I feel like I can approach the third, and final, year of my undergraduate studies (which starts in a matter of days) stronger than before.